Looks like my summer vacation is... over
Over the last 7 months I've spent not working, I've had a lot of time to reflect.
As years have gone on, I've become more private and closed off. It has become harder to find ways to express myself, in healthy and safe ways. Even my passion for art has suffered.
One of the biggest reasons for my art block and depression is one I can't go into. Depression is just anger turned inwards, but it can go the other way, as I have had to grapple with.
As I stare into that long tunnel again, it is hard to not feel dread. A friend gave me some good advice about this particular circumstance last summer - nothing needs to be long-term, and you can do what you need to do to survive the short-term. Nothing needs to be permanent.
Part of becoming this way though, is also a sense of not belonging anywhere. I have never been someone who fits in. I mostly relied on my imagination to keep me company until high school, and online forums saved me from deep isolation. As an adult, moving cross-country several times, and working in an industry where people come and go frequently, means friends are hard to come by. Art was one of my few outlets to compensate for these feelings, but it is hard to balance in an industry where the trade-off for hard work is often passion.
My time on Twitter was the first time since online forums in the early 2000s I felt like I truly belonged somewhere - both in the games industry, and amongst online friends. It was the first time it felt like my art was acknowledged outside of a small circle. Twitter's collapse, and the general feelings of scattered social media as a whole, have left a void that has been hard to fill.
I told myself - if I feel this way, so isolated and closed-off, I need to build a space where I can express myself again. Even if it feels like it can be pretty lonely, and where it may reach no one. But we have to try, right?
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One of the things I've wanted a space for, but have kept relatively private, is my photography. I take a lot for references sake, but I'm trying to get more into it just by a hobbyist standard where I can share more without feeling burdened by it.
I have been sporting (a used and very beat up) Sony a6000 the past few years, acquired right before the pandemic hit. The lenses need some replacing, as they're scratched and damaged beyond proper repair, but they're still functional!
I've been grateful to have a small outlet in a hobby I've kept private - outside of posting these in a locked account with a small audience of people I know, I have not really shared any photos. So this will be a new thing for me.
The last few months have been me becoming more familiar with my neighbourhood.
It was easy to admire just how beautiful it can be here. Spring flowers are abundant in my neighbourhood; streets lined with cherry, plum and apple blossoms. Last year I was particularly unlucky, and got COVID during the prime blooming season. I was glad to not miss it this time around.
As summer approached, we were very lucky. In a country ravaged by smoke and fires, our city remained untouched. A mild summer with sunny days. Plants and flowers stayed abundant and healthy. I took a brief vacation outside the city - I might touch on that in a separate post - but largely stayed within my stretch of the city, exploring gardens, and destinations I had yet to see.
It is hard to believe views like this are in easy range.
It feels as though the months have flown by. Cosmos are one of my favourite flowers, and I feel their presence coincides with the welcoming of autumn.
One of my goals this fall was to find weird mushrooms. Despite my aversion to them, I love them as a concept? If that makes sense? They are neat, even if I hate eating them. I found a huge batch of the kind you don't eat just yesterday.
Autumn lasts longer here than I'm used to from where I grew up, but winter is far more depressing here, as well. Months of colour and light are met with dark, dreary days that can feel defeating. I'm glad I got to take the time to enjoy this summer, since I am also going back to work.
I'm grateful I got to take the time for myself these last few months to just be. I doubt that circumstance will get to play out in the same way again.
Partner bought me some autumn-themed flowers for the occasion. ❤️
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A small bit I also want to talk about before I wrap this up: music I've been listening to these last few months.
The Midnight Live
Saw them live in September, finally. It was an excellent show - so much energy, and so fun, in a really nice outdoor venue. In some cases, the live versions of their songs are better than the album recordings, a circumstance that is very rare.
I've been a huge fan since their founding with Days of Thunder back in 2014. Each album holds a very specific nostalgic feeling for me. Days of Thunder being summer 2014, walking home in the late, warm evenings after overtime shifts at BioWare. Endless Summer brings me right back to a Montreal summer in 2016 - I was so broke, so alone, and had no furniture in my apartment, so I just walked the city every day after work listening to this album, sparing the few bucks I had to buy it, listening on repeat until I went home exhausted enough to sleep through growing insomnia. Nocturnal was fall 2017 in Montreal; cool fall evenings came quick after long and exhausting shifts on an awful project, and I can distinctly remember the falling autumn leaves and the sights and sounds of the Old Port to try and clear my head. I could go on and on, but each album holds such significance in my life that I can pinpoint specific feelings and moments in time.
This album probably will too, of these last few warm months walking the city, and an evening surrounded by forests with a band I love singing their hearts out. Let us live forever tonight.
RIDE ON TIME, Tatsuro Yamashita
I got into City Pop a few months ago. This is much more fun and upbeat than most of the stuff I listen to. These songs feel like enjoying a sunny day! I don't have much to say about it except that I love it, and it's fun.
Gone to Earth, David Sylvian
A lot of my favourite artists know each other, unsurprisingly. I came across David Sylvian through Ryuichi Sakamoto, although I could've easily been introduced to him through Robert Fripp through Brian Eno, etc... it goes on. Gone to Earth is a split LP; the first being an experimental rock lyrical album, while the second is an ambient exploration. The contrast between the two can both be held together and held apart; they feel like two separate albums, but listening together, it feels like I'm meant to contemplate on what is left from the first album on slow, empty landscapes of the second. The first album heavy variety of experimental songs - many of the lyrics touching on both spiritual and metaphysical ideas. I find this is an album full of contrast; "Silver Moon' is romantic and dreamy in the way it approaches love, in contrast to the almost hostile and desperate expression of it in 'Wave'. There is a lot of experimentation here through a lot of artists who got to do a range of familiar, and unexpected, work. It's been one of my favourite albums I've listened to in awhile.
Hats, The Blue Mile
One of those albums where there are no skips. Every track is excellent and just flows so well into each other. I've been listening to this one on repeat for a good year or so now. Each track has its own depiction of either the highest hopes for love or the sobering defeat of it. One of the tracks on the album almost describes the perfect conditions for listening to it and how it feels:
We're walking down an empty street
And with nobody, call your name
Empty streets, empty nights
The downtown lights
Just an incredibly good album I keep coming back to.
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So that was the last few months. A lot of quiet reflecting, some depression, a lot of walks and taking photos. This post was probably a little long. I'll keep 'em shorter going forward. I'm still working on feeling good about drawing again, before I can share anything I'm remotely confident about.
I'm also still working on this blog, as you can tell by its somewhat barren feel... Working on a header (and deciding what to even call this blog?) I'm also working on a button for friends and sharing purposes!
Thank you for reading, and I hope your October treats you well. 'Til next time!